im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
