I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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