if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
