I met the friendliest cop last night
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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