I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
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