I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
