I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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