The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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