my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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