I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
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i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
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Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize