My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
