She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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