I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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