he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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