I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
