I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
