...so i touched it.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
