he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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