So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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