is your mom at the bar?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
