the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
This gyro tastes like lonliness
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
