i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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