the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
