I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Oh god it's open bar.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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