just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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