dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
