my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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