That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
