you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
