I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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