My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
