I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
