He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
