Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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