Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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