I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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