dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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