If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
