I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
