i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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