just tell him i said nine months
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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