Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
