even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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