i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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