Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
