they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
where are you?
Hypothermia
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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