suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
