I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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