I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
