I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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