I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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