Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
