my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
