dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
