I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
