I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
