when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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