Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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