I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
