i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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