did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
